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» 1 - Gallic Wars: Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2,000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.高盧戰(zhàn)爭：法國失敗了。這場戰(zhàn)爭的結(jié)局預示了之后兩千年的法國歷史，即法國能被任何人征服，甚至是一個意大利人。2 - Hundred Years War: Mostly lost, saved at last by a female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare: "French armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."百年戰(zhàn)爭：大部分的仗法國都打輸了。國家最后為一個女性精神分裂癥患者所挽救。此女患者不經(jīng)意間創(chuàng)造了法國戰(zhàn)爭定律一：“只有不是在法國男人的領(lǐng)導下，法軍才能獲勝�！� ]3 - Italian Wars: Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.意大利戰(zhàn)爭：法國輸了。法國就此有幸成為世上唯一一個即使和意大利人作戰(zhàn)也能連輸兩次的國家。4 - Wars of Religion: France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.宗教戰(zhàn)爭：法國對胡格諾派，三個階段各取得0場、5場和4場勝利。5 - Thirty Years War: France is technically not a participant but still manages to get invaded. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.三十年戰(zhàn)爭：如果技術(shù)上死摳國際公法的話，法國不能算是三十年戰(zhàn)爭的交戰(zhàn)方，不過法國仍然是成功地被攪進戰(zhàn)爭中。這場仗法國宣稱是一場平局，原因是戰(zhàn)爭的最后階段其他交戰(zhàn)方都懶得理睬她了。 ]6 - War of Devolution: Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.霸權(quán)轉(zhuǎn)移戰(zhàn)爭：平局。法國人就是喜歡拿紅花盆當帽子戴。(譯者注：貌似意思是法國人把輸?shù)舻膽?zhàn)爭當平局。)7 - The Dutch War: Tied. Dutch farmers and tulip growers are tougher than they look.荷蘭戰(zhàn)爭：平局。荷蘭農(nóng)夫和花農(nóng)打起仗來可比他們那傻呵呵的外表厲害多了。8 - War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War: Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Francophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War(譯者不知道怎么翻譯):法國輸了，但她宣稱是平局。法國短時間內(nèi)把三場戰(zhàn)爭(霸權(quán)轉(zhuǎn)移戰(zhàn)爭、荷蘭戰(zhàn)爭和這次戰(zhàn)爭)都打成平局。這樣的事實誘使腦子秀豆的全世界法蘭西粉們把這個年代吹噓為法國軍事力量的頂峰。 ]9 - War of the Spanish Succession: Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.西班牙王位繼承戰(zhàn)爭：法國輸了。戰(zhàn)爭讓法國人初次品嘗了Marlborough的美味，此后法國人一直很喜歡 Marlborough。(Marlborough是西班牙王位繼承戰(zhàn)爭中在歐洲大陸與法軍作戰(zhàn)的英國將領(lǐng)。后來的Marlborough貌似指萬寶路香煙。雙關(guān)語。)10 - American Revolution: In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; " France only wins when America does most of the fighting."美國獨立戰(zhàn)爭：在這場為后世熟知的戰(zhàn)爭中，法國人宣稱自己是勝利者，雖然大多數(shù)的仗都是美國人民在打。這就是所謂的“戴高樂綜合癥”。從此也引出法國戰(zhàn)爭定律二：“法國只有在美軍和他們一邊并為其打了大部分仗的情況下才能獲勝�！�11 - French Revolution: Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.法國大革命：勝利了。主要原因是戰(zhàn)爭雙方都是法國人。 ]12 - The Napoleonic Wars: Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for the Russian winter, Prussian grenadiers or a British footwear designer.拿破侖戰(zhàn)爭：法國輸了。法軍初期的勝利歸功于一個科西嘉人的領(lǐng)導(記得法國戰(zhàn)爭定律一吧)，然而這位科西嘉人也贏不了俄羅斯的寒冬，普魯士的擲彈兵和一位英國的鞋襪設計師。13 - The Franco-Prussian War: Lost. For the first, but certainly not the last time, Germany plays the role of drunk frat boy to France 's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.普法戰(zhàn)爭：法國輸了。德國人開始扮演這樣的角色：在周末夜晚闖進法國丑姑娘家里的醉漢子。14 - World War I: Invaded, humiliated and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Winds up a tie for les francaise. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, the American fascination with personal hygiene (a fascination totally foreign to French women) incites widespread use of condoms by American soldiers, thus precluding any improvement in the French bloodline.第一次世界大戰(zhàn)：遭受侵略蒙受侮辱眼看要輸?shù)姆▏�被美國拯救了。偉大的法蘭西人民終于收獲了一場平局。幾千名法國婦女嘗到了這樣新奇的滋味：與勝利者上床，而且那勝利者不會用德文叫她們“Fraulein(妓女？)”�？杀�的是，當時美國人鬼迷心竅地在意起什么個人衛(wèi)生(法國女人自然搞不懂為啥要個人衛(wèi)生)，因此美國士兵使得安全套的使用開始廣泛傳播，因而預先排除了法國人血統(tǒng)改良的任何可能。 ]15 - World War II: A decisive defeat even by French standards. Hitler and the German Youth spend Christmas time sleeping soundly through the winter, then arouse themselves to conquer France in six weeks. Hitler dances in front of the Eiffel Tower, while the French command staff retreats to Algeria to institute a crash language program to teach French privates how to say "I surrender" in German and French generals to say "We surrender" in German. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song and some small portion of the German work ethic. De Gaulle of it all...第二次世界大戰(zhàn)：即使是按照法國人的標準，這也是一次決定性的失敗。希特勒和他領(lǐng)導的德國青年在圣誕假期睡大覺打呼嚕，就這樣過了冬(指1939年10月波蘭戰(zhàn)斗停止后，西線的平靜局面)。開春后希特勒把德國青年集結(jié)成軍隊，在六周內(nèi)就征服了法國。希特勒在埃菲爾鐵塔前跳舞，而此時法國軍隊的總參謀長先生撤退到阿爾及利亞去制作一個崩潰性的語言教學類節(jié)目：教法國大兵在德國人面前如何說“我投降”，也教法國將領(lǐng)在德國人面前如何說“我們投降”。被征服的法國人民剛剛學會唱黨衛(wèi)軍的赫斯特威塞爾之歌，就被美國人和英國人解放了。16 - First Vietnamese War (in Vietnamese circles, known as "the scrimmage", or "the exhibition game" where the varsity squad is kept on the sideline to see how the second string will play): Lost. French soldiers, fresh off their four year occupation by the Germans, catch a terminal case of Dien Bien Flu.第一次越南戰(zhàn)爭(越南人的叫法是“爭球”或者說“表演賽”，這種比賽主力隊員都在場邊看著替補隊員在場上比賽。)：法國輸了。在德國人的戰(zhàn)俘營里呆了四年剛恢復自由的法國士兵，卻死在了奠邊府戰(zhàn)役。17 - Algerian rebellion: Lost. First time an Arab army has beaten a Western army since the Crusades, and produces the first rule of modern Islamic warfare: "We can always beat the French." A nice phrase, but it lacks something in originality, since it is also the first rule of warfare for the Italians, Russians, Prussians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese, Native Americans and capitalists.阿爾及利亞叛亂：法國輸了。十字軍東征以來還是第一次，一支阿拉伯軍隊打敗了西方軍隊。制造了現(xiàn)在***戰(zhàn)爭定律一：“我們總能打敗法國人。”這定律不錯，不過缺了點意思。這也是意大利、俄羅斯、普魯士、德國、英格蘭、荷蘭、西班牙、越南以及美洲印第安人和美洲資本家的戰(zhàn)爭第一定律。 ]18 - War on Terrorism: Lost. Incensed at not being included in the original "Axis of Evil," France refuses to participate. When it becomes clear that this is a "no-kidding war," Jacques Chirac looks at his cards and immediately surrenders to that old warhorse, Gerhard Schroeder. For good measure, he also surrenders to five million illegal immigrants from Algeria.反恐戰(zhàn)爭：法國輸了。忿恨于未被美國列為邪惡軸心之一，法國拒絕參戰(zhàn)。當局勢開始明朗，這不是“鬧著玩的戰(zhàn)爭”的時候，法國總統(tǒng)希拉克先生瞄了眼自己的信用卡，立即投降了德國老兵施羅德先生。從好的方面說，他也是向法國境內(nèi)五百萬阿爾及利亞非法移民投降另外補一條：法國也是世界上唯一一個即使和大清作戰(zhàn)也能輸?shù)舻脟�家，而且還搞得政府垮臺 : )那么，法國是怎么生存到現(xiàn)在的呢。 那么，法國是怎么生存到現(xiàn)在的呢。法國人最牛逼的時候是拿破侖的時代...大半個歐洲臣服在他腳下其他的時候差強人意吧法國最成功的戰(zhàn)略就是肢解德國，阻止德國完成統(tǒng)一，德國1870年才最終完成統(tǒng)一，法國功不可沒...不都說意大利是豬隊友么？怎么法國也是？難道只有德國人會打仗么？。。。我記得清朝抗外戰(zhàn)爭也是中法戰(zhàn)爭清朝贏了的？結(jié)果清朝主動跪的節(jié)奏？公雞被黑出翔了啊～～11 - French Revolution: Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.法國大革命：勝利了。主要原因是戰(zhàn)爭雙方都是法國人。 那么，法國是怎么生存到現(xiàn)在的呢。 阿爾及利亞叛亂：法國輸了。十字軍東征以來還是第一次，一支阿拉伯軍隊打敗了西方軍隊。制造了現(xiàn)在***戰(zhàn)爭定律一：“我們總能打敗法國人�！边@定律不錯，不過缺了點意思。這也是意大利、俄羅斯、普魯士、德國、英格蘭、荷蘭、西班牙、越南以及美洲印第安人和美洲資本家的戰(zhàn)爭第一定律。這個作者也太沒水平了吧,阿爾及利亞的叛亂是法國傘兵部隊,也就是著名的法國外籍軍團怎么就成了阿拉伯軍隊了?外籍軍團里面的骨干軍官力量可全都是純正的法國人支持叛亂的也都是在阿的法國裔人士太陽王路易14和拿破倫兩個時代是法國的巔峰吧.發(fā)現(xiàn)看完第一句就不用看了。。。這作者的邏輯很有問題啊女人、外國人，沒了